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Long Enough

November 11, 2011

Yes, its has been a while. So long that I forgot my user name and password. 

Why today? I am not really sure, guess it just feels right.  I have found, that for me, the only way to conquer my feelings is to share.  I have been very preoccupied the past few years, but it is this time of the year, every year, that my body starts to react. The thoughts of what happened to my family don’t stir up these crazy emotions.  My body just starts to feel different. Then my head. And it is cyclicle. And it lasts almost the entire winter.  On and off. Hot and cold.

My mouth is dry, and my body clenches tightly to my heart. It starts to beat rapidly. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I want to cry. I can feel the strain in my throat, cheekbones and in my eyes.  Waves of utter fear invade my body. I am unclear as to what I am so fearful of. Negative thoughts trickle and don’t stop. I am never suicidal, just completely vulnerable. Like anything can and will happen. Most of it is related to my girls and the possibilites of losing them. All this dissipates over a few hours and I am fine.  It never paralyzes me, just sets me back a little bit.  I overcome and move on. And that is the cycle. 

I understand all of this. It has been going on the past 6 years. But what now, what am I to do with it. That is always where I get stuck. So, today, I write.  It helps to share with you that I still feel the pain, it is very real after all these years.  I remeber that a friend reminded me healing is a process and this is just part of it I suppose.  I just wonder if it will ever all go away, or will I always be reminded at this time of year that Luna and I were attacked by a monster. That our lives were threatened and our idealistic home terrorized.  We rebuild, add on but remain at the core, unsettled. 

Thank you all for listening. It really helps me. xoxoxo

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