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By Luna

December 4, 2012

This is Luna. I think you know about when that bad man came to our house. Well for the past couple days I’v been thinking about him. On december 2nd 2005 was the day he came to our house. I went to my counselor today and she helped me. I feel expesholly scared at school because i’m not with my mom. Thinking about this man makes me get an enxity attake. Uselly I feel the exity attake in my heart, legs, face, arms and my chest so it makes it hard to breath. Sometimes at school I feel homesick and I feel like i’m going to thow up. I uselly feel this way during the afternoon because it happend in the afternoon. Sometimes when I think of the man it confuses me and I loose track on what I’m doing. when im feeling this way some of my friends ask me what is wrong but I dont feel confterble saying whats wrong.My mom says to think of good things instead of negitive things so I tried doing that and it made me smile but, thats when there is a twist, the man barges in to our house and tries to kill us so that makes me more scared. I go to  theripy since that day so my theripy person helps alot too. Please let me know what you think about this and tell me one thing I should do to make him get uncloged out of my head. 

from luna   

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. tim gavin permalink
    December 4, 2012 2:46 am

    Hey Luna, I’m sorry that you have to deal with this stuff. I’m not sure what to say, but just remember that you have any awesome family and a bunch of friends that love you and know how cool you are. Start a rock band, I’ll play drums for you until you find someone cooler.
    -timmy g

  2. Sarah permalink
    December 4, 2012 2:51 am

    Luna-you are a brave, beautiful, strong girl and I’m honored to have you in my life. When you start to think about him….picture yourself on your surf board….taking control of the wave and showing that strong fierce ocean who is the boss….when you coast on your board onto the shore line, let the thoughts of him dissipate back in to the ocean and wash him out to sea.
    I love you pretty lady!!!

  3. Jen permalink
    December 4, 2012 2:58 am

    Hi Luna – Try thinking now of a particular time when your mom was happy and strong, and then think of a particular time when you yourself were happy and strong. Then tell your mom which memories you are picturing. When the scary times come you can use that to remember what it feels like for both of you to be strong and happy, and you’ll know your mom is thinking of the same memories too to remind her.  I hope knowing that you’re both thinking of the same happy thing at the same time will help know you’re not alone, and that your mom isn’t alone either. Thank you so much for sharing how you feel.
    Jen

  4. timmy2 permalink
    December 4, 2012 3:06 am

    luna – when you get scared just think about 87th st and surfing with chloe and me! warm sun, warm water, good friends and shreddin’ the gnar!

  5. Allison permalink
    December 4, 2012 3:13 am

    Luna thank you for sharing. Your mom gave you great advice, to focus on the good in your life. Sharing with people you trust is also a great way to get negative feelings out. Maybe you could write more here, or even try writing a song or poem since sharing with peers can be uncomfortable.

    Love You Always, Aunt Allison

  6. December 4, 2012 3:17 am

    Hi, Luna. You don’t know me, but your Mom and I spent a few days together a few years ago and we loved talking about our daughters that were about the same age. My Ana just turned 9. She struggles with anxiety attacks lately, also. The hard thing in her life was having her baby brother die. It fills her with a different sadness than you have, but lately the anxiety sounds very similar. Ana used to only struggle in her dreams. So before bed, she would write, in a dream journal, what she didn’t want to dream about and cross it out with a big black marker, and then she would draw a picture or write about a dream she wanted to have. It seemed to work pretty well.
    Lately, though, when the anxiety has been tough, she asks for a “moment”. In this moment, she stops and prays, or reads something encouraging or pictures herself surfing in San Diego (I guess you both love surfing!) and she feels better.
    Remember to take as many moments as you need, Luna. You are worth it. You are amazing. Have a moment to rest, let it pass and face the world again.
    We’ll be praying for you, too, in our family.

  7. Dana permalink
    December 4, 2012 3:35 am

    Hi Luna- so I’m friends with your mom. I can not take away your anxiety or change what happened to you- I think the more you can talk about what scares you … The better you will feel. The more you can share – the less alone you will feel. If your friends know a little about what happened than when you feel sad they can hug you- and maybe do something that usually makes you happy. Remember that man can never hurt you or your mommy ever again. EVER! I think your blog is beautiful and a lot of people will feel better because they have things that make them anxious and your story will make Them feel a little less alone – so proud of you! Dana.

  8. Tracy Shechtman permalink
    December 4, 2012 3:40 am

    Luna- your mom and dad are so proud of you! You are so brave and good. You are stronger than that man…and so is your mom! Your whole family is special and great and that man can never do anything to you again. You guys already got rid of him and he will never come back. You have a great team. Sometimes when I am having sad thoughts it helps me to read a book. It takes my mind off what I’m worried about. Maybe that would help you too? Give it a try. You also seem like a very good writer…maybe you could write a book?!?!

  9. Kevin from the beach. permalink
    December 4, 2012 4:03 am

    Amy and Luna, it’s Kevin from 87th street. Amy, I can share your thoughts of being in a park and not knowing the experiences of all those around you as I’ve known you both for 5 summers now and could never imagine such a tramatic experience has happened to such wonderful people. I would have to draw on the life I have shared with you to offer a remedy to the anxiety. The beach is a beautiful place to all of us that share in it each summer. Stop, collect yourself, and think of those wonderful days. Luna, you are a beautiful young girl that lights our stand up with every visit. Your smile is always full, your inquisitive beach questions and giggles crack us up. I would offer you to draw on the love and protection I see you exemplify to your sisters, younger cousins, and friends. They all look up to you as you are an amazing person. You would protect them as your mom has protected you. Follow her lead because she is really cool and you’ll be just fine! Enjoy the school year and see you soon in SH!

  10. Jen permalink
    December 4, 2012 5:54 am

    Luna,
    You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your feelings like you did. My suggestion when you are feeling anxious is to take slow, deep breaths. While you are breathing imagine what it feels like when your mom hugs you and snuggles you close. Imagine what her arms feel like holding you. Imagine what she smells like. Imagine what the sound of her breath is like as you are so close to her. Imagine her voice telling you how much she loves you. Keep taking slow deep breaths while you do this. Let your mom’s love grow inside your mind and body and imagine her love filling up every little nook and cranny of space so that it pushes the anxiety right out of your toes and finger tips.
    I hope this helps. I hope you know how amazing you are!

  11. Cati Porter permalink
    December 4, 2012 6:28 am

    Una, the fact that you recognize your struggle, ask for help when you need to and keep on looking for a positive future is a tribute to your strength. And strong, bright young ladies, such as yourself cannot be stopped. You are already winning. One step at a time.

  12. Brian Hutchinson permalink
    December 4, 2012 11:25 am

    Dear Luna,
    I am so glad that you chose to write here. I found your words very powerful. Not only are you courageous for sharing your feelings with your family, friends and teachers, but now the whole world. I know everyone will agree that you are a strong spirited girl that will overcome these fears and also inspire others with your story. I am so proud of you and feel blessed that I can watch you grow every day. I love you, Luna.
    -Daddy

  13. Julie permalink
    December 4, 2012 12:14 pm

    Luna,
    You are a beautiful, old soul. You are a very smart girl. I would encourage you to take all of these feels and release them in the water during swim practice and meets. Your family loves you and so do all of your friends and your support group around you. I always take one moment at a time throughout each day and I take one day at a time. We all have different strategies or ideas to help us cope with our emotions and challenges. I know your mommy and daddy are very very protective and smart parents. They love you sooooooo much!!! You are very lucky to have chosen them (you know what I mean – old soul). You did that for a reason. TRUST in yourself. BELIEVE in yourself. LOVE yourself and your family. Use the strategies that mommy and daddy, the therapist, and your wonderful support group on here and around you sugggest. It could help you so much. I love you so much Luna!!!! Hugs and kisses!!

  14. Kelly Curtin permalink
    December 4, 2012 12:55 pm

    Luna,
    I’m a friend of your Aunt Katie’s. Your blog post was so beautiful. I can’t stop thinking about you, it makes me very sad you’re going through this. Fear and anxiety are emotions I wish you only knew from roller coasters and gigantic waves.

    Here’s what I would do: when you miss your mom at school or when memories of this man clog your head I think you should say to yourself he is not worth my time or my thoughts. And try to remember this quote “You will find it is necessary to let things go (out of your mind); simply for the reason that they are too heavy”- unknown.

    I know you are young, but clearly you are wise enough to understand this man does not deserve to be in your head. Say to yourself this man did an evil thing, but I am here and my mom is here, too (thank God for her)! Remind yourself that you come from a long line of strong women because it’s the truth!

    Love,
    Kelly

  15. Cara permalink
    December 4, 2012 12:57 pm

    Hi Luna, I’ve known your mom a long time, we went to college together years ago. I consider her to be one of my heroes in life, she is very very strong and I know she has passed that strength on to you. When I need to feel strong I go running, it makes me feel like I can handle anything that is on my mind. I don’t know if you like running, I hear you like surfing though! I find anything that challenges my body to be stronger also challenges my mind to be stronger too. I started yoga and that helps as well, especially when I master the headstand! I think this blog is a great idea, keep writing and you will find that there are lots of people who support you. Well done for speaking out.

  16. Mary permalink
    December 4, 2012 2:02 pm

    Hi Luna,
    I remember too… What happened to you and your Mom doesn’t seem real sometimes, almost like a dream, it all happened so fast, and you were so little. What I will always carry with me though, is how amazing your Mom was under such intense pressure. She became a warrior when she needed to be, and protected you. I was bowled over with her power. That comes from within Luna, and I know you have it too. When you have an anxiety attack, remind yourself that what happened was a long time ago, but you are a strong and powerful woman like your Mom, and you are not going to allow this weak man to rule your head.
    One of the things that your Mom was great at, was reaching out to her family and friends for emotional support. I admire her for that. Not everyone is able to do that and it takes alot of courage. She is teaching you to do the same thing! She is giving you great tools that you will be able to use all through life. I know you will overcome this Luna, but I know it’s hard work. You will turn around one day, and they will be gone.
    We all love you very much.

    Mary costello

  17. Lisa Bianco permalink
    December 4, 2012 2:59 pm

    Hi Luna,
    I am friends with Aunt Katie and remember growing up with your mommy. She was like an older sister to me and was always so fun! Thank you so much for sharing. You are so brave and wise beyond your years. I can’t imagine how hard the days are when the bad man clouds your head.. Maybe you could find something that makes you feel safe, like a lucky charm or a necklace? When you felt scared or like the bad man was clouding your thoughts you could take it out or hold onto it and know that a piece of mommy is always with you and that you are both safe! I hope one day these memories are a distant thought and the bad man no longer has a place in your mind. 🙂

  18. December 5, 2012 2:59 am

    Luna,

    I’ve read what you’ve written a few different times and thought about it throughout my day. The first time I read it, it made me very sad and I couldn’t stop crying because you are such a great girl, and you don’t deserve to feel this way. The second time I read it, I was very angry at the bad man for taking up space in your mind and heart that should be filled with good things. The third time I read it, I cried again, but not because I was sad, but because I was so proud of you for being able to say what you want to say to the whole world and for being so brave and powerful. And then I started wondering, how is this bad man, who is so weak and small, able to take up any room at all in a person’s (your) mind who is so strong and big? Why do you have to feel small, scared and alone?

    Well, here’s the thing: even though you are still just a little girl, you are much bigger and stronger than that bad man. Every day you eat, learn, play and grow outside in the sunshine and the rain and snow. You are surrounded by your family and friends, classmates, teachers, coaches, and all the other people in your life, and they love you very much. You do courageous things every day too–you paddle out into the wild ocean to follow your dream of surfing, even though the waves are often rough and scary; you choose to listen to the music you like and do the things you like to do, even though they may not be things other people enjoy; you share your feelings with those around you and ask them for help, and you offer help to people who need it. That is who you are.

    The bad man that came into your house is none of those things. The bad man is a coward–such a coward that he is afraid to meet another person without his knife. The bad man is alone–because he hurts people instead of helping, he has no friends and no family, and no one who will stand by him. No one wants to stand by someone who does bad things. The bad man is weak–he ran out of your house because your mom was so much stronger than him. While you are enjoying yourself in this wide world–swimming, surfing, speding time with your family, listening to music–the bad man is only allowed to live in the small, small space of his jail cell, because small people are not allowed to take up big spaces in the world. You are free to roam the entire world, and he is locked in a tiny cage.

    Maybe if you can remember what a small, powerless man this bad man really is, you can lock him in a tiny cage in your mind as well, and someday–hopefully–there will be no room for him there at all, and he will have to go away.

    Here are a couple of things that I think might be good to do when you are feeling anxiety:

    When you think about the bad man coming into your house, try and make him really tiny in your mind. Use your mind to turn him into a little bunny rabbit or a hamster. Or imagine him dressed up in a funny Halloween costume–like in a dress and bonnet from Little House on the Prairie, or like Michael Jackson. Sometimes this stuff might even make you laugh, and that’s fun too. It might not make you laugh though, and you might still be scared. If you are scared, start imagining that you are not alone in the house with the bad man. Imagine that your mom and dad are there with you, and your sisters and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then have more people you know come in–have them coming through doors and climbing through windows–everyone you can think of that you know and love, all coming into the house to see you and hug you. Imagine the rooms upstairs and downstairs being filled with people who love you–if you are at school, imagine all your classmates and teachers being there in the house with you too…and after a while, you will realize there is no room for this bad man in the house anymore, just like there is no room for him in this world, except his tiny cage so far away from you. No one can hurt you when you have so many people around you–and Luna, you do! That is real!

    Another thing you can do at school if you feel uncomfortable talking to your friends, is to carry something in your pocket–a special stone, or a letter from your mom–that you can touch when you are feeling scared or sick–something to remind you that you are not alone and to remind you of people you love. And if you still feel scared and sick at school, know that it’s okay to tell your teacher that you need to go visit the nurse, or another adult that you can feel safe with.

    Also–I think that you and your mom should take a vacation every Dec.1-Dec.3 and celebrate your stregnth and bravery. Maybe you want to take a special trip and do something fun each year, or maybe you want to stay home and celebrate family. But tell your mom to take those days off from work–and your dad too!–and don’t go to school those days and take the time you need to remember how strong you are and how loved you are.

    Those are my thoughts. I hope they help a little bit. We can’t wait to see you in a few weeks and rock out with you, because You. Are. Awesome.

    I love you Luna, from the very first moment you were born!

    Chava

  19. Kelly Toepel permalink
    December 5, 2012 3:59 am

    Dear Luna,
    I am an old friend of your mom and dad. Although I don’t see them often, they are both amazing people. I can only imagine that you and your sisters are amazing too, there is no way that you can’t be amazing.
    You know that the world is made up of light and dark, the moon and the sun, life and death, etc. It sometimes takes a little bit of darkness to appreciate the beautiful light that life can give us. What you and your mom went through, should not have happened, but it did. The pain that you suffered will always be a part of who you are. You can think of it as something hard in yourself, but also something hard and beautiful that is part of you. Something hard and beautiful, like a diamond. So, when you can’t get the thoughts out of your head, think of a beautiful diamond that can withstand the weight of the world.
    You are a beautiful, strong girl…and it is you against the world!
    Kelly

  20. Michael Jalboot permalink
    December 5, 2012 3:04 pm

    Dear Luna,

    This is your Daddy’s Cousin Mike. I’ll let you in on a little secret…there are things that sometimes trigger my memory back to when I first learned of that horrible experience that you and your mommy had to go through. Nobody should ever have to have that type of experience happen to them and it makes it doubly painful when it’s happened to a family that you know and love. But what raises me out of the sadness is knowing that you have the best parents around! And whether you realize it or not, you’ve got a big network of friends and family that love you and will do anything for you. You are a very lucky girl, Luna. And, although you can never change things that have happened in the past, you can always rely on your friends and family to help you though the tough times and ensure that you have a bright and happy future!

    Stay awesome!

    Love, Cousin Mike

  21. Susanna permalink
    December 6, 2012 4:19 am

    Hi, Luna.

    My name is Susanna, and I work with your mom’s friend, Chava. She let me know about your mom’s blog, and that you might want some ideas for helping with anxiety.

    I like what Chava wrote about imagining the bad man in a tiny cage, or changing your imaginary picture into something silly. Sometimes, when I feel a lot of anxiety about thoughts I’m having, or when those thoughts give me sick or sad or scared feelings, I like to imagine my problem in different ways, just like Chava said. Sometimes I like to imagine the problem flying away. Sometimes I like to imagine the problem getting soooooo small that I can STOMP on it! Like it’s a tiny cardboard box, or a little bubble. Or I like to imagine it becoming fluff on a fuzzy dandelion, and then I can blow it away. Or sometimes I make the problem into a ball to KICK! Or I put it in a tiny rocket that I blast into space!

    Now, I sure don’t want to kick or stomp on a REAL person, I don’t want to hurt or squish anyone’s REAL body, but when I’m just using my imagination, ideas like that sometimes makes me feel better. Because remember – nowadays, that’s where the bad man is – in your head, just like you said. So helping your mind make him small or silly or gone might be really helpful. Maybe it can help get your mind unclogged.

    And I think Chava’s other idea, keeping something with you in your pocket, is also great. Maybe you and your mom can work on a little craft project, and make two tiny things for each other, to carry around in your pockets. It could be a stone (like Chava said) or some other small thing that you each could decorate for the other, like a button or a marble. My friend decorated a stone for me once, and I kept it in my pocket every day, and when I held it, in my pocket, I felt like I was holding my friend’s hand.

    You are such a brave person. And no wonder! It sounds like you have such a brave mom!

    I wish that bad man had never come to your house. But I’m really glad your mom was so so so brave and tough when something so awful happened. She’s a real hero.

    I hope some ideas from your friends and family sound good to you.

    And what’s this I read about you SURFING? Wow! I’ve never surfed – I’m a little scared of it! You really ARE brave!
    I’m learning to snowboard. I like it so far, but I fall down a lot! But I’ll keep trying.

    I bet your mind can learn to be unclogged, too! You might have some moments that feel like falling down, but you are very powerful, and your wonderful, powerful, huge mind will keep helping you out!

    I know it’s hard, but you’re doing so much great work, big kid!

    I admire you a lot.

    -Susanna

    • December 8, 2012 4:01 pm

      thankyou for writing to me. i really appreciate it!!! i like your ideas alot and i think they are really going to help me. do you know harry potter??? well if you do my mom said to use the word rediculouse when i saw what i were afraid of and it would turn into something silly. thankyou very much for writing to me!!!

      -luna

  22. Wendy FLynn permalink
    December 6, 2012 1:15 pm

    Hi Luna,
    What an amazing strong girl you are and what an incredible support group you have. Your Mom is awesome, the strongest Woman i have ever met, you are clearly following in her footsteps. It was so brave of you to write this, and I really hope all the brilliant ideas can you help you get rid of these fears and the anxiety you feel. I am afraid I don’t have any great words of Wisdom but I wanted to express how incredible i think you and your mom are. This time of year should be happy and fun for all of us, especially someone your age, but this awful thing has made that very tricky, I hope with time and help from your amazing family the whole of this season can be happy and fun again and you can block out those sad feelings.
    sending smiley happy Wishes from London
    Wendy Flynn x

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