Birthing
I remember telling myself in one of those very first nights following the assault, that I was going to do all that I could to protect the livelihood of my family, especially Luna. No matter how difficult it may be I was going to get out of bed in the morning, I would eat food throughout the day, I would not drink alcohol or take medication and I would continue to excercise. It was not easy, but I could not imagine destroying my family’s life due to my own self pity. Luna didn’t deserve a weary mother, she deserved someone she could be proud of. That is what drove me. I knew that the healing would be hard, sort of how a woman knows that childbirth is hard, but to really go through it is something else. It is a complete ebb and flow of emotions, a truly crazy experience of the human psyche and I am glad to have been there.
We stayed with my parents for several weeks. Ten or so days following the attack, I was to appear in court for a Preliminary Hearing. I have written about that experience in a previous post, but I just want you to understand the sheer fear that I felt in that court room. It was a debilitating dread, I stood with the weakest of knees, my throat constricted with emotions, my head a concrete block. I thought that I would never get through the day and thankfully it didn’t cross my mind that I would have to go through this again 9 months down the line. I can honestly say that I have never felt this kind of fear, nor do I ever want to again.
I remember lying around a lot, trying the keep the panic attacks away. I played with Luna a bit too. During the day, my mom’s house was empty, everyone carrying on with their lives and their work. I looked forward to the evening when the house was full again, I felt safe this way. I tried hard not to let Luna see to much of my pain and anxiety, but she could feel it. I hated that.
I remember how difficult it was going to my sister’s house and to other friend’s houses. I hated how they had homes with their own food and their own fires. I envied them and it angered me that I had no home anymore. I hated watching other friends and family carry on their daily routines while I struggled to get through the days. Christmas was approaching and I hated that everyone else bought trees and trimmed them it in their homes with their families. I felt like everyone was uneffected by what happened to us and I hated that. Not that I wanted people to suffer in any way, but I wanted our old life back, the one where we went on as if nothing happened.
These resentful feelings lasted several weeks, until one day I was at the park with Brian and Luna. I looked around at the other mothers and fathers with their children and felt that envy, and I took a moment and thought how do I know that these people haven’t come from something difficult or traumatic. I don’t know anything about what others really go through, so how can I be truly envious? It was the biggest thing that I have learned from my whole experience; I can not judge based on what I see, and I would listen to others stories without judgement or comparison.